


The diary of a lost kid

by Awkward_bean_sky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drarry, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, may be triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 1996-10-12
Updated: 1996-11-30
Packaged: 2021-01-04 18:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21201803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awkward_bean_sky/pseuds/Awkward_bean_sky
Summary: Following Draco Malfoy through his sixth year, the ensuing mental strain it puts on him, his doubts in his own abilities and the catastrophic consequences this has.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: depression, eating disorder, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, suicide
> 
> This story is very dark. If you have issues with any of these topics, please do not proceed with this story. This story will follow a very long, downwards spiral of Draco's mental health and most likely won't have a happy ending.
> 
> Edit: I decided that I hate angst way too much, so I'll give this a happy spin (I might make an alternative ending with what I originally had planned)

Dear diary, 12th October 1996

Pansy suggested that I'd keep a diary. It does seem pretty childish, but I do see her point. I bottle up a lot of my feelings? I'm not quite sure how to start this, so I'm just going to write my thoughts out.

I used to take pride in my looks. I used to bask in the compliments people gave me over my appearance ever since I was a young child. I used to take proper care of myself, maintaining a healthy diet to get my slim, yet athletic figure. Taking care of my hair by brushing out every last bit of gel at night and washing it thoroughly every second day. Taking care of my sensitive, porcelain skin by properly moisturising, especially my hands and face. Taking proper care of my nails, manicuring them to utter perfection and always coating them in a layer of see through nail polish. 

I used to enjoy these things, taking care of myself, being envied for my Malfoy-Black genes, but things changed.

I stopped eating all together, only eating the minimum every once in a while to appease my friends glares. I stopped gelling my hair into submission and I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair or showered. I stopped moisturising. Stopped manicuring my nails, dirt permanently stuck underneath them and I chew them off instead of cutting them.

My friends of course have noticed these changes. Not only the physical ones, but the ones in my behavior. I got quieter, less sarcastic, more distant, less like myself. I don't want to burden them with my issues. They already have their own shit show going on and it's honestly not as bad as it seems. I'm just a bit lost at the moment and need to gain back control on my life.

Draco Malfoy


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Eating Disorder

Dear diary, 2nd November 1996

I enjoy being able to see my ribs more clearly in the mirror with every passing week, as messed up as that sounds. It gives me a feeling of control, something that I currently am lacking in my life. Everything seems to be out of my control. I am only a boy, merely sixteen years old, not even finished with school, and yet I am being tasked with a death. The death of one of the most beloved and most powerful wizards of our time, none the less. I don't think he expects me to succeed. How I wish to be eleven again.

Draco Malfoy


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm

Dear diary, 17th November 1996

The dark mark is a daily reminder of the misguided views and choices of my grandparents. Their cruelty and utter disgust towards anyone even slightly different, slightly worse off, slightly less "pure", then them. 

The dark mark is too much too take most days. And on a specifically bad day, I made it dissapear and replaced it with a nasty set of pink, swollen scars, caused by a razor blade. I couldn't stand to see the mark that represented _ his _ values, _ his _ bigotry. 

Some days, I wonder, what it would be like if my parents found out that I am attracted to men. Would they rat me out to the dark lord, knowing it would be my death sentence, out of self preservation? Would they disown me like my cousin Sirius was disowned, with the only difference being that I wouldn't have a place to stay? Would they ignore it, keeping my secret so that I could stay alive? As much as I hate to believe it, to believe that my parents are horrible people and care more for their own well being then mine, I know they would offer me up if it meant that they could live. Especially father, who has never shown an ounce of love, only ever being interested in me being proper and producing heirs. How I miss the days when I was young and mother would read to me in french. Why can't I go back to that? Good night kisses and a feeling of love?

Draco Malfoy


	4. Chapter 4

Dear diary, 30th November 1996

I wallow in self pity and hateful thoughts all day long, loosing focus in class and dropping well below average in my academic pursuits. But I just can't bring myself to care, since I don't actually think I'll survive the war. No one really believes that I'll manage to kill Dumbledore. That is the Dark Lord's plan after all. He wants to punish the Malfoys and what better way to do that, then by killing their only heir? What better way then by ending a blood line as ancient as the history of magic itself?

Why did he pick such a torturous way to kill me? I think I'm slowly going insane. Help me.

Draco Malfoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stg y'all better shut up about the dates. It's not a glitch, it's not some matrix shit, you can literally just change the publication date. The earliest you can change it to I'd 1950

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this so far. It won't be updated regularly, so beware.


End file.
